This is a story about exhaustion, about drowning in silence, and the fact that the story is still writing itself as this post is published. This story is about me, the person who has invested too much energy without realizing it, without recharging the batteries at the same time. That something is wrong I have known for a while, but realizing what is wrong and being able to put this into words only happened last weekend around MeasuerCamp Amsterdam.
I am exhausted, in such a way that sleeping in doesn’t help. On good days I have energy for 4 hours of work, on bad days for 2 hours, the rest of the time I run on reserve. Reserve that should never actually be used up and only used in an emergency, but I use it almost every day. What happens when you run on reserve and work? I forget much more than usual, it takes me much longer to deliver clean work, listening is difficult, smiling is even more difficult, I am much more easily irritable. But what is worse is that my team is partly prevented from doing their work because they cannot rely on me 100%.
Now you might say, “hey, those are clearly recognizable symptoms, why did it take you so long to realize that?”, but it doesn’t come overnight. It creeps in slowly, becomes more and more bit by bit and above all, you want to avoid seeing it. I would rather not see it because it can’t happen to me. I have good advice for everyone, I support many people in the field of mental health, I know what it looks like. And yet, it can happen, and you are not safe from it. To realize this takes strength, strength that you may not have, and you become vulnerable.
You make yourself even more vulnerable if you speak openly about it, share it with your team, your boss and other colleagues. Now I am also writing about it publicly so that everyone can read it. Why? Because I want to point out that no one is alone in this, that you are not the only person, and at the same time, it is important to talk about it and not hide.
Because I did the latter, I hid inside. I wanted to deal with it on my own and I felt ashamed, even though I have a close friend who went through the same thing many years ago, and I was allowed to accompany him. In addition, I can hide so well behind the fact that I still have to do something for others, that others need help after all. It was easier to say nothing, to put on a smile and say “All is well”. Inwardly, however, all was and is not well, because I ask myself, among other things, whether I am up to my work and other things at all. Whether I can really do all the things I pretend to be able to do. Imposter is my biggest friend right now. A close friend said at the weekend “Drowning is silent” and she is 100% right.
But what can you do once you’re in it, and what can you perhaps do to avoid falling into the trap in the first place. In both cases, a buddy system can help, which I would like to write about separately. I have been helped by my wife and also by a close friend. People who sometimes know me better than I know myself. People who tell me something is wrong without batting an eyelid and also try to name it. People who care about me. Because I don’t know if I would have recognized it without them, without it being too much too late. Plus a team in which each individual could not have reacted better and a boss who asks “what can I do for you”.
Therefore, pay attention to your partners and friends, to people around you with whom you have a lot to do. Because you can be the deciding factor for someone else to realize that there is a problem.
What about me? I am trying to influence this story now, to take time out and also to get professional help. I am trying to keep writing about where the story actually started and how it continues. Writing this post has been good. Take care, I am trying to do the same.